One of my 60 before I’m 60 bucket list items was to write 101 life lessons. I’m no Oracle. Some are useful titbits, most are lessons learnt as a result of me doing something stupid. Here are the first 10.
1. If you are decorating your house and have put the painting tray on the floor, remember where you put it! It’s all too easy to step backwards into your tray of very purple paint. If you get this wrong, you may need to hop all the way to the bathroom (and save the carpet from purple foot prints).
2. Always keep spare underwear in your swimming bag. You will inevitably forget them at some point and having a spare stash is incredibly handy. Particularly if you dressed that day in something flimsy, white or both.
3. Beware of trying on complicated clothing you don’t understand in a small shop cubicle. You ladies know what I mean, we’ve all been there. That top with too many holes where you cant quite work out which one you put your head through or that dress that has too many straps and maybe a tad small. If you aren’t sure put it down and step away from the garment.
If you fail to make this decision you may find yourself standing there with a large unrecognisable lump of material wrapped around your neck and face, one strap over your left ear and another in your left armpit.
The next decision is vital. Do you A) risk ripping it by pulling it off quickly? B) risk cutting off the blood supply by wiggling it slowly back off, nearly dislocating your shoulder in the process, or C) humiliate yourself by calling the assistant to come and help you, who will then of course gleefully tell their friends later in the pub in hideous detail. This decision could live with you for a while, so make it wisely.
4. If you’re avoiding cows milk for any reason, soya milk splits in hot coffee, oat milk does not. You’re welcome.
5. If you really need to pee outside when you are out for a walk make sure to do this far from the prying eyes of people on paths. Whilst dog owners may possess the tact to ‘pretend’ to ignore you when you squatting behind a tree that is clearly too close and too thin…., dogs do not possess the same tact. Being snarled at by a large dog up close and personal does not enhance the peeing experience.
6. Never ever put the washing in your washing machine wearing a sweatshirt with long toggles hanging from the neck. Better said, never ever switch the machine on if one of your toggles gets caught in the door……..thankfully for me I clicked the off button in time.
7. If you are fond of long distance trail running become acquainted with Vaseline. Your toe nails will thank you later.
8. Multi-tasking is a load of nonsense. All it means for me is forgetting I left laundry in the dryer and burning the dinner.
9. When someone waves at you in the street who you don’t recognise, look behind you first before you make a complete pillock of yourself.
10. White wine really does remove a red wine stain from the carpet.